I regret that I haven’t written for a while. I realize that I’ve been a little depressed.
I’m dismayed to realize that I wish my children would move out, after I worked so hard to get them back.
I’m discouraged by how severely alienated they remain, despite the fact that three of them now live with me, sort of.
I’m disgusted by the outrageous boundary-crashing of the alienator, my ex.
Let’s start with the ex. In the past month he has been entered MY HOME, without my permission, at least four times, and no doubt more. The kids let him in, or on at least two occasions, gave him their keys so he could come in to get something for them. Just to be clear, he knew that I did not want him inside because he offered to help in the past when they were moving things in. I politely refused, and at that time he seemed to accept that. Then, a few weeks ago, there he was in the living room, tidying up some papers. I was stunned.
“What are you doing? Why are you here!?” I said. Ever so casually he replied, “Oh, Evan was just showing me something, and I’m just cleaning up.” “I’d rather the kids did that” I said. “Oh they do. Don’t worry, we’re leaving in a minute,” he answered. I stood there, dumbfounded and furious. I knew that the kids were in the next rooms and I did not want them to become involved. I stood and stared at him for another minute, then left the room to think about what to do next. Moments later, he and the kids did leave. I was happy that there had been no scene, and that the kids did not end up defending him, but his relaxed and familiar behaviour in my living room and total lack of recognition of anything inappropriate really upset me. I sent him an email telling him not to come into my home without my permission.
This is what he wrote back:
You are paranoid and obviously unbalanced. There is no justification for your message. Please refrain from sending any more memos of this nature.
I did not reply, and thought that would be the end of it. Wrong!!
The next week, I saw him leaving my home as I approached. Two nights later, I met him in my hallway. I told him, forcefully, to stay out. He said it was an emergency, the kids needed something and he had a vehicle. I said, “then call me to let me know! Or call the landlord!” Again, not a hint of a sense of anything inappropriate, in fact, he appeared insulted and angry at me.
The worst part?
A few days later I met my son Evan in the kitchen. I hadn’t seen him in about two weeks. I was friendly, as I always am, and greeted him warmly, although he always ignores me. This time he did not ignore me, and proceeded to lecture me about how I had no right or justification to tell his dad to stay out. Foolishly, I argued with him. I tried to make some rational points with zero success, and just got attacks and accusations in response. In my head I knew this was going badly, and was trying to think of something positive to say to him. He left, I wished him a good day at work, which he probably didn’t hear because he’d put his headphones on.
And the landlord told me that my ex was in the house again since then. (The landlord doesn’t care.)
So, there you have another example of the outrageous, arrogant sense of entitlement of the alienator. It pales in comparison to the destructiveness of the ex of my friend Marie: He coached their children to make false accusations of abuse against her, had her arrested, the children taken away and placed with him. In this case previous assessment(s!) of the family had found him unfit and to be alienating and gave her custody, but the police did not investigate before acting on the accusation, and the poor children will have been with the alienator for about a year before she is cleared and the children returned to her. A year of intensive alienation in the “care” of a psychopath. It’s heartbreaking.
A small and a big example of the malignant narcissism of the alienator, who apparently can’t conceive that others have rights, including the right to think differently from him or her.
I’m trying to figure out how to deal with the alienator violating my right to enjoy my home in peace without making things worse with my children, but this is probably not possible. I hope someday in the future they will see it as a good thing, as an example of standing up to bullying.
In my next post I’ll get to Dismayed and Discouraged, and I hope, have an antidote for myself and for those of you experiencing the same thing.